Visiting

(This occurs during the current in-game timeline, but is delayed by one day, because I was distracted yesterday.)

Going to the hospital is a game I hate to play


Of course, it's not a game. It makes it easier to think of it that way sometimes, though. A game with rules and goals. It gives me something else to focus on.


Stay out of the way, that's the first rule. It starts in the parking lot. People are distracted and parking is at a premium. You can't assume the cars and the drivers are doing anything logical, so it's best to just stay out of the way. Walking into the hospital is next. Stay out of the way. Doctors and nurses have important things to do. Gurneys and hospital beds and wheelchairs go up and down the halls. Don't make them dodge you.



Don't meet anyone's eyes. You can see the ones who know the rules, they do the same. No one wants to see the joy a new family member in the world brings when they're fearing for life of a loved one, or the other way around. Guilt or envy don't add anything positive.



No one likes hospitals, but most people don't have the reaction I do. I hope. I can feel the panic start in before I ever get inside the building. Inside, the walls press in with the first whiff of the recycled filtered air. Sometimes I have to stop and force my breathing, my heart rate to slow. Sometimes I have to stop and sit down a couple of minutes while I adjust. A few times I've had to go back outside and start again. Twice, I've gone outside and not come back in. In the beginning, I had so many other concerns, so many other fears, there was no room for this one. Now, it seems instead of getting better as I get used to being here, it's only getting worse.



As I walk down the hall now, I feel my chest getting tight, breathing becoming more difficult as if the air were being pulled away. I slow my steps and convince myself that I am calm and safe. Vagz has said that he can't watch what goes on in the hospital. I hope he hasn't seen my weaknesses. The thought of being watched adds strength. I continue with more confident steps.



The elevator is the first big milestone. The lower floor will be quieter, with few visitors and familiar doctors and attendants. Still, it's harder to leave from here, and almost feels darker, more closed in. The path is familiar, and I reach my destination with nothing much other than the echo of the sound of my boots on the floor. Today, none of the doctors stop to talk to me.


I pause outside the door. In the beginning, I was told that coma patients may possibly be aware of their surroundings. Talk to him, the doctors said. Maybe he can hear you. I didn't really believe it. Now, though, I've had cause to rethink that, and I do believe it. I've heard it from sources that I think would know. And after that night in Pocket D... Well, I try not to think about that, or talk about it. The only other person who might understand at all would be Mason. And I can't talk to Mason. I can't even look at Mason without thinking about what he was willing to do to a little girl, to me, to E.

I stop again and clear my thoughts. I don't want to bring the panic the hospital causes, or anger, into the room. After yet another deep breath, imagining I'm breathing in fresh air instead of filtered hospital air, I open the door and step into the room.

Nothing has changed. Not that I expected it would have. The machines beep quietly, lights blink dully. My chair is still beside the bed. Even now, there's a part of me that flinches when I look at Jason: pale, scarred, still. I cross the room in few steps and take my seat, automatically reaching through the bed rail for his hand that may not have moved since I moved it last.

He's room temperature. I expect his hand to be cold, as still as he is, but it's not. Nor is it warm. The past few months have taught me more about my powers and controlling them than all the lessons that MAGI and Hero Corps agents tried to instill in me. I can control my own temperature better than I have been able to for years, but I'm still shocked when I touch someone and they don't feel like ice to me. The shock is more here.

I smile at him though I don't expect him to see. "Hi," I say. "I just got back in late last night. Very late. I haven't even unpacked yet. I went straight to bed, and then got up this morning and came to see you." I give a self-depreciating smile, knowing that he knows me well enough that he recognizes that I wouldn't have bothered to unpack, anyway.

"It was good, really," I talk a bit too quickly, and I know I ramble. It's difficult to continue speaking without getting a response, though I can usually imagine what the response would be. Some things, too, are easier to talk about than others. Sometimes I read parts of the newspaper to him, and I can talk about that all day. Other things are not so easy.

"Jen's doing great. I swear, she's taller just since I saw her last. She went shopping for school clothes with Betty a couple of weeks ago and they bought so much partly because Jen outgrew everything. Jen wanted me to take her but... I just couldn't get away. Maybe I'll be able to make it up her soon." I pause, knowing how unlikely that is.

"I was a little worried at first, she really seemed to dislike Wi--" I stop again. "I didn't tell you Will was going, did I? It was sort of... sudden. The whole trip was, really," I add quickly. "It's probably better not to plan things out right now, I guess. But, he went, too."

I stop. Briefly, I wonder if this would be easier if Jason was awake, and quickly decide it wouldn't be. "It was a little iffy at first, but he won her over. He got the kids organized in some kind of game... I'm not sure what it was. They started off quiet, and then they were all chasing each other around and yelling and laughing like hyenas. Including Will. He was good with all of them, but he really went out of his way for Jen. I think she really liked him. You'd like him, too, I think." I pause. "Well, maybe not. But if... circumstances were different, maybe." I stop again and feel myself smile. "He let Jen 'teach' him how to ride a horse. I think that's really what sealed it. She's crazy about that horse, you know. Did I tell you what she named it? Lightening. Your kid is not creative, Jason. But she's getting good at riding. She makes me a little nervous, because she is still so small, but... maybe I'm just being over-protective? I think that Will thinks I am, but he won't come right out and say it. Though, he did remind me that I can't seal her in lucite." I catch myself laughing. "Don't worry, the thought hadn't actually crossed my mind."

I hear myself sigh. "She is doing good, honestly. After everything, she's adjusted so well, it amazes me. I guess kids are like that, though. But she misses you. She hasn't actually been with you for so long, but don't think that she's forgotten, or that she doesn't need you." I smile a bit. "She wants you to go live at the ranch with her. She's got it all planned out, you know. Honestly? It would probably work just fine. Except, as Jen has pointed out, you'll need to learn to ride a horse. You'll have to, you know, get out of bed to do that, okay?" I squeeze his hand a little and try to sound hopeful.

"You know, really, anytime you feel like getting up would be good. Not... not like that night in Pocket D..." I trail off, not wanting to remind either of us of that. "The doctors are trying, I'm..." I stop again. "I don't know what I'm doing," I admit. "I thought I was helping, but now I don't know." I laugh, but the sound isn't happy and it hurts my throat. "You can't trust a demon, right? It promised me, though, and I was sure... You would be dead without it. I do know that for sure. Your doctors have confirmed that much. Maybe... it can't actually heal you. Or maybe I'm not doing enough for it. I'm trying, though, I swear. I just... I can't be what it really wants me to be. I tried, but I can't. I hated it, I hate all of it so much. I think maybe... if it wasn't for Will, I would have already been the evil thing the demon wants. Maybe that would have been better. Maybe you'd be well, then. Maybe I wouldn't care anymore."

I have to stop. The pictures in my head hurt. Maybe because I can see them so easily, almost smell the burning. I hurriedly open my eyes and check for real fire, but the only thing remarkable is few teardrops I hadn't felt fall. I wipe my eyes with my free hand and take a breath.

"I don't know how much longer I can do it," I say in a whisper. My throat feels raw, as if I'd been screaming instead of simply talking. I clear my throat and try to smile. "So, if you could, you know, wake up, that'd be really good."

The tone of the beeping on one of the machines changes. I jump and drop Jason's hand as if I'd been shocked. The door opens and one of the nurses comes in, greeting me with an apologetic and wary smile. She swaps out the near empty saline bag hooked to Jason's IV with a full one. She presses a button and the beeping returns to normal. I settle back into my chair as she leaves and take Jason's hand again.

"Sorry," I say with a smile he can't see. "Guess I'm a little edgy."

I sit for awhile longer, telling him about the horseback rides we went on with Jen, and how she talked about school and her classmates. Seemingly out of nowhere, I notice how close the walls feel, how sparse the air seems. I know if I stay much longer, the panic will press in until I can't ignore it.

I force myself to stay longer than I should, until I lose track of what I'm saying and the trapped feeling is overwhelming. I say goodbye more quickly than I'd like, my shallow breathing making it difficult to speak. I give him a quick, light kiss and promise to come back soon, and try not to run from the room. I see one of the doctors in the hall, heading my way, obviously meaning to speak to me, but I just nod and continue walking quickly past him. If he says anything, I don't hear. The elevator is almost unbearable. It seems like an eternity before the doors open again and let me out. Before I know it, I'm in the parking lot again, but the fresh air and the open space isn't enough, and the fight-or-flight panic response doesn't ease. I feel as though people are staring at me, and I check to make sure nothing is burning. I know I need to get somewhere where I can't hurt anyone, or anything, and hopefully not myself.

I can think of only one place, and head for Peregrine Island and my next destination.