My Turn

(Edit: Orignal post 3:30pm)

I intend to keep this brief, but I may ramble. Forgive me.

Or don't.

I'm a pretty honest person. I don't like lying. I don't like liars. I'm not good at faking things. Oh, I can do it, but not for long, and often not well. I also am a rather empathetic person. (Empathy: Not just for Defenders.) So, I don't like to hurt people's feelings, and I'm really good at understanding other points of view. I believe in having and showing compassion. Sometimes, naively, I expect the same things from other people. Oddly, though, this adds up to something that might seem contrary on the surface. I don't take crap from people. Push me once or twice, and I'll ignore it or excuse it. Push me three times, and I'm going to push back, and twice as hard. And trust me, my mouth has never written a check that the rest of me is incapable or unwilling to cash, to borrow one of The Family's more colorful phrases. (Yes, I have spent some time on the docks in Striga lately.) This is why I tend to avoid confrontation. It may take awhile, but once I lose it, I lose it A LOT.

So, what's this little self-discovery trip about? Well, like I've said before, it's impossible not to put some of yourself into a character you devote so much time and energy creating and, more importantly, playing and acting. Fyre has some of those qualities that I just described. Maybe not in the same order, or not in the same amount, but they're certainly there.

That's the only thing I can attribute in-character to Fyre's previous repeated forgiveness and overlooking of Masonry's actions.

Yep, that ended awhile ago. Now, I didn't think so, but apparently I was too subtle in my and Fyre's avoidance of Masonry. I thought refusing to team with that character was hint enough. Apparently not. Through blog post, and later through an off-line message, I got a request for Fyre to be a part of an RP STF. An STF that was, mechanically, certain to be a failure. I'm not an overachiever or a control freak, but starting something that's doomed to failure before the start... well, it's not something I would normally do. And teaming Fyre with Masonry, again, is something I have been strenuously avoiding. But, because of friendship with and respect for Masonry's player, I put that aside and did as asked and brought Fyre on with the intention of participating in said doomed STF.

Now, had I known that I and my character was wanted for a filler, I have other characters I could have brought. Had I known that I was setting my character to be attacked, I wouldn't have went. Had that attacking come from Masonry, I could have dealt. After all, that makes perfect sense. Had I known that I was setting myself up to be dog-piled by an entire group of people who subscribed to Masonry's revisionist history, I certainly would not have participated. And that last is what happened. Fyre was very quiet during that initial attack-- and I say "attack" because that's exactly what it was-- because her player was shocked speechless. As close as I came to quitting right there, I didn't, because I knew that that STF wouldn't have gotten very far with five players, three of which were tanks. Again, friendship and respect kept me from removing my character from a situation which she surely would have left. I tried my best to salvage the mechanical portion of the task force, both by lending my characters best abilities and my own experiences with the STF.

I don't, and will not attempt to, justify my characters hatred-- yes, let's not soft sell it: hatred-- of someone who has repeatedly tried to kill her and people she cares about, either by setting it up or doing it himself. I could post chat-logs, quotes from blogs, whatever you want. I'm not going to bother, though. I don't think it's necessary. If you want to read some of those things, the blog archive is there. If you'd like chat logs, I have the files. Masonry is a murderer several times over, under the influence of drugs, nictus, black magic (or whatever exactly that is), and himself, both in the heat of the moment and by cold calculation. He is exactly the type of person our heroes spend their entire careers fighting. He's had so many chances to redeem himself that I have, honestly, lost count. And yet, my character has been cast in the role of villain by now two groups of people with whom she and I have had little to no interaction.

We're not our characters. Very true. And yet, being set-up to be (to use Fyre's words), a punching bag by a group of characters and/or people you do or don't know is not fun. So, yes, I did take it personally yesterday, and I left feeling very angry, on my and Fyre's behalf, and somewhat hurt on mine.

I have half a mind that this is not entirely appropriate for a blog post. However, the invitation and discussions occurred on blogs, so I don't feel this is entirely out of place.

In-character, Fyre will not be teaming with Masonry ever again, as she and I previously intended. Yes, Masonry and Frost both have come to have the same intentions, now, and their players have posted so on their blogs. And I truly believe I would have been much happier had I stuck with my own previously reached intentions. But, even with the most heartfelt requests otherwise, I will not go back on my resolution again.

Out of character, this is not meant to hurt anyone's feelings or make anyone angry. However, it if it does, I will not apologize. Not for the least reason that I myself spent most of the day angry, and probably just a bit hurt. I posted because the explanation will, hopefully, make me feel better about it, and, in the best possible outcome, avoid such a situation again. Please, don't ever put me in such a situation again. To sum it up somewhat mildly, it was unpleasant.

Feel free to post any public comments, questions, concerns or flames (I know just what do with those, should they they occur) here. Private ones can be sent in-game in tells, or e-mailed.

Edit(6:22pm):

Over it.

Hey, lolcats.